


any second now

by imsocreative



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Based on a Dear Evan Hansen Song, Canon Compliant, Evan Hansen Deserves Happiness, Gen, HOORAY, Kinda, One Shot, Pre-Canon, Short One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trees, conveniently suicide attempts dont fall under any of the archive warnings BUT it's in the tags so, evan hansen needs a hug, its kinda short but please read it anyway haha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:26:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25840561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imsocreative/pseuds/imsocreative
Summary: Higher, higher, higher. Evan feels as though he can reach the sun----and then the branch falls.or, what I think happened on the day Evan broke his arm
Kudos: 6





	any second now

higher. He’s almost at the top. 

higher, 

Higher, 

It’s like he’s racing against time, climbing farther and farther, branches upon branches, to a place where he can escape from everything. Taking a heaving breath, Evan pauses and looks down. Everything is… so small. He feels as though he can reach the sky, almost, if he just stretches his arm out far enough, but the only thing he touches is another branch, so he grasps onto that instead. Evan propels himself up with his feet-

_cra ck_

-and then, for a split second, he’s free-falling until his arm is yanked tight from gripping onto the branch above him and being stuck in his shoulder socket at the same time because his support has succumbed to gravity and he almost lets go of the one thing keeping him from joining it but he doesn’t and his hand remains on the branch and his body doesn’t fall and _holy shit, he’s really high up_ . _He’s going to fall. He’s going to fall. Any second now. Any second now. Any second now his grip will falter and he’s going to_

_f_

_a_

_l_

_l._

Evan slaps his other hand around the branch above his head, begging his body to have enough strength to pull himself up. He should have exercised more when he had the chance. He can barely hold on. He doesn’t know if he can pull himself up, and if he lets himself fall in the desperate hope of catching onto another branch on the way down he might as well just le

_(let go)_

  
  
  
  


...let go?

_(let go)_

… 

Maybe he should… just let go. It would certainly be easier, wouldn’t it? One less student for teachers to pretend to worry about during excursions, one less person for his mother to have to provide for, one less person using up resources that someone far more deserving should have, one less person wasting oxygen. If he just… let go.

_(It would be so easy.)_

Evan stares at his hands, wrapped tight around the arms of a tree. _No, dumbass,_ he thinks, _just pull yourself up. Easy, right? People in TV shows do it all the time. Don’t let- don’t do that._

_(but. It would be_ _so easy._ _)_

After maybe fifteen seconds of panic and desperate maneuvering, Evan manages to get his elbows on top of the branch as well. His lungs are burning from so breathing hard. Evan lifts his feet, attempting to push himself onto the branch, but succeeding only in jostling his grip so that his hands are the only thing on it once more. This… is going to take a while.

_(or. you could. you know, just let go. It would be far, far simpler.)_

The pain in his arms from being strained is starting to become tiring… much like the pain of living, he reflects. There’s nothing out there for him, after all, a socially anxious klutz who stutters and stammers with every second word for no reason other than _what if you don’t like me_ even though the stuttering and stammering is probably what pushes people away from him in the first place. The awkward weird guy who sits in the corner, Evan Hansen. The loser who can’t keep a conversation going for any more than ten seconds. If he just let go, no one would have to see him ever again…

The taste of salt pierces into his mind. He’s crying, the tears falling down his face, carving mismatched lines, running into his mouth, dripping off of his chin.

How pathetic.

_(le t g o)_

A strangled sound crawls its way into the air, and Evan can’t tell if he’s laughing at his own uselessness, if he’s laughing because of what he’s going to do, or if he’s crying because of existence.

Any second now, he’s going to fall. Why try to stop the inevitable? so

he l e t s g o and now he’s

falling, 

falling, 

falling and it’s exhilarating and amazing and everything goes by so fast he can’t even breathe and it’s terrifying, because there are branches everywhere and he might crash into those instead of the ground and he doesn’t even know when he’ll hit the ground, when it’ll be over. He forces his watery eyes closed. _Any second now,_ he thinks, _any second now. Any second and it’ll all be over. No more sitting in the corner while everyone else talks to each other like normal people. No more ruining conversations by saying too much. No more ruining conversations by saying not enough. No more awkward situations with the pizza delivery guy. No more making mom worry for no reason--I’m not even worth worrying about, anyway._

Evan opens his eyes. One last chance to take in the world, but the world passes far too fast and then everything stops and there’s nothing--no, there’s not nothing, there’s the rustling of the leaves as the wind flies through and the harsh breathing of oxygen entering his lungs and carbon dioxide flowing out and a resounding, echoing crack and numbness and tears and _pain_ , and 

oh. he’s still… oh

Evan squeezes his eyes shut again. His arm throbs with pain, his ankle feels numb and so does his mind. The tears never stopped, but now they’re flowing with the power of a tsunami and Evan just lies there, broken and helpless and lonely and so, so useless.

_(you couldn’t even die properly.)_

He can’t move because it shoots fire down his arm. He can’t yell for help because he’s still choking on tears. He can’t do anything. The only thing he can do is lie there and wait. Wait for someone to come get him. It’ll happen eventually, won’t it?

Any second now.

  
  
  


any 

second 

now.

**Author's Note:**

> so i personally think that it's kinda weird evan broke his arm falling out of a tree especially if he let go bc he would have fallen legs first right SO i headcanon that he also at the least sprained his ankle.
> 
> the  
> 'f  
> a  
> l  
> l' bit was supposed to look as if it was continuing the line but the fomatting just didn't work so i had to make it a separate line :/ lowkey mad
> 
> also hope you enjoyed :) if you have any writing requests tell me pls i never have enough ideas


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